Refused to Wear

I thought of her today,
a sunny afternoon much like this one.
I took her to the shoe store
to get a new pair
of doctor ordered shoes.
She dragged her foot a little
as we entered the shoe store.
She was quiet as the salesman fitted her foot
then brought her an assortment of lace up shoes
that would help her gait.

In all the years I had known her
she had NEVER worn lace up shoes.
She wore feminine shoes
spike heels in the early days
flats now that she was getting older.
she had small feet
graceful feet
and she liked shoes that reflected that
although we never talked about it.
I just noticed what she wore.

That afternoon she rejected most of the shoes quite easily,
then settled on a brown leather pair.
The man said they would install the brace
on the premises
and we could pick them up later.
She nodded and paid the bill,
something outrageous as I recall,
hundreds of dollars
a hefty sum fifteen years ago
for someone with meager resources.

She was silent on the way home.
She never did comment about the experience.
She never wore them.
She refused to.

Some things in life take away one's dignity
and are too painful to bear.
Those brown lace up shoes fall into that category.
They demeaned her
made her feel less than,
like an invalid,
defective
and so she hid them away in her closet
where they remained
until her belongings were discarded
in the weeks following her death.

Aging is not always a graceful process.
Care for those who are growing older isn't too great either.
There are losses that come with aging
too difficult to accept
and so we remain silent
but for the tears
that God stores in a bottle somewhere.