Slacker

I'm beating myself up today big time.
The inner critic is having a field day with me.
Too fat
Too lazy
Too undisciplined
Too uninspired
Too nonspiritual
Shirking my responsibilities big time
when it comes to Presbytery.
Slacker!

Sigh.

I wonder sometimes if God doesn't sigh too.
How much non-function can I get by with
before God says enough is enough -
and deals with me
like the ancient Israelites who got hauled off to Babylon.
I don't know that God punishes us, really.
I think we punish ourselves.
We make our own bed.
I would like to lie down (or is it lay) in mine this morning,
but General Council looms on the horizon.

The problem so often in church work
especially Presbytery meetings
is that it has so little to do with anything of the soul.
I wometimes come away from meetings with my spirit parched.
The devotional is perfunctory
so that we can get on with what is really important.
The best that I can offer is that I show up.
I vote when it's called for
and ask questions on occasion.

I could speak up.
I could say I'm drowning
but I sit in silence.
What's that about?

There are some good things about being on General Council.
I marvel at others making sense
of complicated legal and financial matters.
I genuinely like the people.
I like to know what's going on.
I'm grateful for the work that's been accomplished
by others who are not put off by the head stuff.

I pray for this meeting
for all those who are dealing with these numbers
for those who are so willing to serve
and those who really aren't
but who show up because they are faithful.
Perhaps we are a glimmer of our faithful God
who shows up
and loves us
and beckons us on again
even when we are slacking.