Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Paul Newman

He had these fabulous, piercing blue eyes
and I swooned
again and again.
Although I never met him
I admired him
his faithfulness
his philanthropy
his ability to charm my heart with his acting
his oil and vinegar dressing which is the only commercial, mass produced salad dressing without sugar or all the "oses" -
dextrose, sucrose
etc.
I've always been grateful for that.

I'll miss him.
I never told him that he had touched my life
never sent him any cards.
I've never done that for a lot of people.

Maybe today,
remembering him,
I will make the effort
to let someone know I've been blessed
because of them.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Refused to Wear

I thought of her today,
a sunny afternoon much like this one.
I took her to the shoe store
to get a new pair
of doctor ordered shoes.
She dragged her foot a little
as we entered the shoe store.
She was quiet as the salesman fitted her foot
then brought her an assortment of lace up shoes
that would help her gait.

In all the years I had known her
she had NEVER worn lace up shoes.
She wore feminine shoes
spike heels in the early days
flats now that she was getting older.
she had small feet
graceful feet
and she liked shoes that reflected that
although we never talked about it.
I just noticed what she wore.

That afternoon she rejected most of the shoes quite easily,
then settled on a brown leather pair.
The man said they would install the brace
on the premises
and we could pick them up later.
She nodded and paid the bill,
something outrageous as I recall,
hundreds of dollars
a hefty sum fifteen years ago
for someone with meager resources.

She was silent on the way home.
She never did comment about the experience.
She never wore them.
She refused to.

Some things in life take away one's dignity
and are too painful to bear.
Those brown lace up shoes fall into that category.
They demeaned her
made her feel less than,
like an invalid,
defective
and so she hid them away in her closet
where they remained
until her belongings were discarded
in the weeks following her death.

Aging is not always a graceful process.
Care for those who are growing older isn't too great either.
There are losses that come with aging
too difficult to accept
and so we remain silent
but for the tears
that God stores in a bottle somewhere.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Starry Night

I found it on an internet site
a velvet dark blue sky
exploding with twinkling stars.
They danced
and twirled
and all earth danced in response.
A tree burst into a living flame of praise to God!

It was the centerpiece of worship last night.

Have you ever seen a beautiful, starry night
I asked them.
Maybe in the mountains?
On the beach before it was ravaged and littered?
Or anywhere else in the world?

Did it lift you to praise?
Did you wonder if that's how it was
the night the angels sang?
Were you filled with awe and wonder and stillness
at the beauty of God dancing before you?

What if you could somehow capture that on canvas?

That's what Van Gogh did
and people have loved it
and related to it
for centuries now.

Van Gogh was in a dark place when he painted it,
held in the grip of a debilitating disease,
hopeless
in despair.
Mayube he looked out the window
and saw the sky
or he remembered when he had seen it before
and then he knew
that he was not alone in his suffering
that he was surrounded by God
who really is sovereign
and so much larger and bigger than he was
than we are.

The heavens are telling the glory of God
and all creation bows before God's presence.
Be still.
Turn loose.
Look up!
We are not alone
but invited to join
the dance of the swirling stars
in living praise
to the God who will carry us through.

Amen.

Too much

Numb today
flat
Laid out like a body in a coffin
Too much!
Too much sadness for people
who are suffering from Ike.

Pancho lost his home
and everything in it.
Where will he go?
What will he do?

Donnie and his wife lost their church.
The winds hoisted much of the roof
and sent it crashing all over Pasadena.
No more grand pipe organ
to call people to worship.
She cried
when she described the devastation.

And what about Galveston?
Little Emmanuel church?
five feet of water in their sanctuary
and few resources
to clean up the muck
or replace anything.

And Galveston First
the mother ship of churches?
buckling wooden floors,
stinky damp carpet
soggy wires
and a silent, wet organ

O my God!
Out of the depths we cry to you!!
Lord,
in your mercy,
hear our prayer.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Hope

I don’t usually care for computer generated calls.
Most often they’re a huge annoyance,
politicians courting my vote
or salesmen trying to sell me something.
A computer call last Wednesday was different.
It said, The water supply is no longer contaminated.
The water is safe to drink.

That meant I didn’t have to boil water
on the stove
for two minutes
at a full rolling boil
any more.

I could just turn on the faucet
and pour myself a glass of water,
Use ice from the refrigerator's ice maker.
In that moment I was awash in gratitude,
giddy with it!

This computer call brought genuine hope
that one day life would be normal again
with safe water
television
the internet
garbage pick up
and peace of mind and heart.
The Lord of hosts is with us.

Day 6 of the Recovery

Day 6 of the Recovery
I lose count.
Many people are in worse shape than we are.
Power came back to the church yesterday.
The rest of the world goes on.
I googled the national headlines
yesterday at a mailbox store.
There was no mention of Ike or Houston or Galveston
in the national news.
We were not even a blip.
How quickly fame disappears
and compassion and care move on
to another part of the world
another disaster
antoher war
another political argument.

But Ike is still big news in Houston
front page every day
dogging us still
with heart rendering stories of the aftermath
POD (points of distribution) squabbles
a ravaged Galveston and Bolivar
now looking like a third world country
hot tempers from people with no electricity
wanting the infrastructure of their lives to return.

Be with us in our waiting, Lord.
Calm our angry, fearful, despairing hearts
with the balm of your healing presence.

Powerlessness

It's a little thing really
in the grand scheme of things
that I have no television
or internet
no keeping up with the world
just me
on my little island
my air conditioned island.

It's the powerlessness that is frustrating.
not being able to fix it
not knowing when or if
it will ever be fixed.
No one calls with updates about the cable.
We wait silently
for someone else who does have power
to make things right again.

How many people live their lives like this every day.
unable to fix what is broken
unable to rise above it
and take action of any kind
powerless
dependent upon others for their well being.
It's not so easy.
A long time of it will bring despair.
Be with us all, O God, in our waiting.
Fix our vision on higher things
and give us compassion for those who wait.

Red Light Green Light

Red light - green light
I used to play that game as a child.
Someone shouted red light
and we all froze in place.
They shouted greeen light
and we all ran
I don't know that there were winners or losers.
We just stopped and started
and had fun doing that.

Forrest and I are playing that game in Houston this week.
A hurricane has ripped through town
leaving all manner of destruction in its wake.
Millions are without electrical power
including all the traffic lights.
We try to be courteous.
We wait our turn.
But some people don't have the hang of it yet.
They don't understand the red light-green light game
of when to stop and when to start
so there's a little chaos and anxiety
when we come to an intersection
with multiple lanes of traffic.

This afternoon coming home from church
it seemed more like the game bumper cars -
cars starting when they should be stopped
and stopping when they should be going
and the intersection full of cars
going both ways at the same time.
The front end of a hurricane is more fun than the back end.
We're getting testy now
a lot less patient
with the government,
power and cable companies,
the endless lines for gasoline, ice and groceries.

Today is Day 3 of the aftermath
It doesn't seem any better than Day 1.
It's hard for someone to have patientce -
when there's an oak treee in the living room.
when we scramble eggs on the barbecue grill for breakfast
when we cannot watch TV or use the internet
when we read by candlelight in the evening
and when clients in other parts of the country
don't understand why their demands aren't met.

God is teaching us this week in Houston
what our priorities are
who is important in our lives
how much time we have when there is no electricity
how self centered our lives are
who really is in control ultimately.

May we emerge from this storm more aware
and as open, playful and adventurous
as we were so many years ago
when we played red light - green light.

Watching for the Morning

I had never heard that swishing sound before.
In the darkened night
the tree branches swished and danced
as the gusty wind tickled their leaves
and sent them spinning.
I had no fear
knowing that a giant storm was wooing them to action.
I was strangely still within.
I have never had rational fears,
only irrational ones.
On this night I was alone
and peaceful
as I listened to the swishing
and watched very serious television anchors
describe what Ike was doing in the Gulf of Mexico.
Millions of us were watching for the morning.

I was prepared.
bottled water,
food in the pantry and refrigerator
flashlight
battery powered radio on alert.
All the physcial things were done.
Emotionally I had moved into numb,
the place where I don't feel anything.
I function.
I was clear,
not having eaten any sugar or flour.
Spiritually, I had few words -
other than asking God to protect
the elderly, fragile people
and all those who were vulnerable and afraid.
I asked for myself that the air conditioning stay on,
remembering the oppressive heat of Hurricane Alicia.

I spoke words of peace to the storm
just as Jesus had done.
Peace, be still.
All night long.
Swishing and swaying.
Peace, be still.
Swishing, dancing, clapping their hands
Peace, Be still.
The trees seemed to enjoy the dance.
It never felt frightening.
At 11:30 the power went off.
odd since the trees were doing a slow dance,
not a tango.
I lit a glass candle, the dime store variety
with a picture of the sacred heart of Jesus.
It stayed lit all night,
warming me with its light.

The power came on again, then off
then on, then off, then finally on again at 5:30 AM.
I slept through most of it,
and when I was conscious
spoke lovingly to the storm
Peace, be still.
The storm crept in in darkness
while we waited for the morning.

My soul waits for the Lord
and in His word I hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ike

I like Ike.
It was a campaign button my parents wore
as they left me in the back seat
and went off to cast their ballot
for President of the United States.
It was the first election I remember.
I haven't heard the name Ike since then
except for some crazy televangelist.

I wonder if I will like this Ike who's coming for a visit tomorrow.
He's howling in the gulf - like Halloween
trying to scare the peewaddle out of us.
It's eerie waiting for him.
Reminds me a little of Wednesdays
before "the boys" descend upon my church.

Houston feels anxious today -
traffic at unusual times
long lines at Walgreen's where people
are buying junk food, water and batteries.
A little chocolate surely will help face down a hurricane.

I'm waiting this one out alone
a first for me.
Forrest is stranded in Reno
can't get a plane out because of Ike

I wonder if I will like Ike when I meet him.
Will he charm me or seek to destroy me and my house?
Will he leave a nasty trail behind him?
Mostly I worry whether the roof will hold up.
and whether we shall lose electrical power.

I don't worry about myself.
I worry about the old people who are fragile
and on oxygen,
the ones who are sick,
and the ones who are so afraid.

I remember a story from long ago,
how Jesus spoke to a storm and it stilled.
I speak peace to Ike.
Be still
compassionate
gentle with us.

Maybe we too will wear a button with your name on it
when this is all over.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Windfall

There I was
young, innocent, curious
out for a new experience
in a new group of people - Roman Catholic!
I saw her standing there
chubby
in a flowered muu-muu
shiny grey hair
and sparkling eyes
holding a guitar.
Love oozed out of her
from every pore.

Later I asked her if she spoke in tongues.
I'd been reading the Bible
and was fascinated with that phenomenom
because I was a linguist.

She looked at me
serious now.
Yes she said.
I speak in tongues
but you won't.
You're in your head.
You must go to your heart
in order to speak in tongues.

I was still fascinated as our small circle
joined hands and prayed,
Lord, fill us with your Spirit
and bring us safely back next week.

I opened my eyes.
The world was a different place.
I was different too.
Divine love had flooded me
like water rushing into an empty lock in a canal.
except that it bubbled up
from somewhere deep within me.
I knew, KNEW the words then,
You shall know the truth and the truth will make you free.
Truth wasn't about knowledge.
It wasn't about finding the right words.
It is experiencing the presence of God
and following that presence into freedom.

The windfall turned my world upside down.
More to come.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Forrest

The door swung open
and I saw him standing there.
Kind
Pleasant
Dimples in his cheeks
and I thought,
"Oh no, I could never marry him!
with his ears
and my big nose
we would have ugly children!"
What a strange reaction for a first date
a blind date at that.
We rode in the back seat of his friend's car.
His friend and my friend were in the front.
He told me jokes,
made me laugh.
I felt so comfortable with him,
not nervous at all
unusual for a first date.
It was as though we had always known each other
cut from the same cloth
attached somewhere deep within.
I was safe around him.
no fear
no angst
no worries about what to say next

I loved the way I felt with him.
O.K. to be who I was
whoever that was back then.
I somehow knew we would end up together.

Today is his birthday.
He's 67 years old.
A lifetime has happened between us since then.
We've birthed children
traveled the world
had multiple careers
and a farm
health issues
money issues
identity issues.
I'd do it again
in a New York minute.

God bless him!
Big!

I Remember Ron

(This is response to a Max prompt)

Sitting in his chair
in the nursing home,
crutches parked by his side
silver hair
twinkly blue eyes
kind and a little sarcastic
I was charmed.
He drew me into him
because he listened
like me.
I listen mostly.
Few people care what I have to say
or what I think.
They tell me what they think.
But Ron asked me questions.
He listened
and asked me follow up questions
and was genuinely interested
as I sat there on his couch
spilling the facts of my life.
He was anti religion
didn't believe a word in the Bible
turned off to it big time
said sternly in no uncertain terms
that I was not to pray out loud.
Neither was I to bring that black box around
that held communion elements.

But he wanted his funeral in my church.

That signaled a huge disconnect to me
between the sarcastic, twinkly charm
and the lovely soul within.
I didn't mention it.
I watched him get up on crutches
and make his way to the bed.
I left him there
no closing with prayer that day.
But something had stirred within me.
It was the birth of a call
to companion him.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Nice Quotes

A couple of quotes from the Spirituality and Health discussion board today struck a chord within me:

The young people who come to me in the hope of hearing me utter a few memorable maxims are quite disappointed. Aphorisms are not my forte, I say nothing but banalities.... I listen to them and they go away delighted. ~Andre Gide

And another:

~ Wear a smile and have friends; wear a scowl and have wrinkles. What do we live for if not to make the world less difficult for each other? ~ George Eliot

Day Three of trying to get the wheat and sugar out of my body. Day three of splitting headaches. Day three of feeling lackluster and having brain fog. Soon, tomorrow or the next day, it will be gone and my spirits will lift. May I make the world less difficult for someone today - perhaps myself.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Clark Family Politics

For generations the Clarks have been Democrats.
The family album was full of Franklin Roosevelt, the hero
Not so in my family.
They thought Roosevelt was a traitor.
But I loved this guy Forrest
And he was a Democrat
A Democrat who wouldn't marry me unless I converted
so I did.
I've been happily Democrat for years now, ever since I could vote.
But something happened with the Clintons
to turn him off
and then Forrest started listening to talk radio
joking about it at first,
then announcing that he would support W for president.
No one could believe it.
A Clark! Voting for a Republican!
He still, even now, loves W and the war in Iraq
The family whispers quietly amongst themselves that he has gone to the dark side.
Our children love Obama.
Forrest leaves them messages that Darth Vader has called.
Emi announces herself as Princess Leah.
At least they're laughing now.
It's an improvement.

Me?
I go back and forth
like a ping pong ball getting whacked.
but I like Sarah Palin.
Who knows?
Maybe I'll descend to the dark place as well.