Limbo Land

Limbo land.
I live in limbo land.
Finding a church home is difficult once you've been ordained.
I don't seem to fit well in my home church.
I cannot go back to the one I left.
It's too soon.
It might hurt their process.
They can't move into the future if they're still holding on to the past.
Neither can I.
I was a pretty powerful presence there.

Last night I dreamed that Kathy Bryant came to visit me.
She's a Lucia friend, another minister.
I took her to see my old church
although it was now located in a valley with a mountain view.
The halls were empty but Belinda was there.
She gave me a smile and a hug.
The Hispanic pastor and his wife smiled and waved.

We walked down empty hallways
until we foound a large classroom full of people singing.
There was so much joy in that room!
Kathy went in to see it, leaving me outside.
She marveled at their enthusiasm and sense of God's presence.
I quietly stood outside eating the cornbread
I had stuffed in my pocket.
I realized I had been holding my church back with my need to control.
Now the lid was off.
They were flourishing - so much better without me
but also because of me.
I left without speaking to anyone
and ate my cornbread,
offering a choice slice of it to Kathy
as we entered the future together.

At some point God will lead me out of Limbo Land.
For now, most days, I am content to lollygag my way through it.
Maybe I should make some cornbread.
It might help my process.